Sunday, June 29, 2008

and she left me with her heart

We fight. We fought. We argue. We argued. We scream. We sreamed. We cry. We cried. We laugh. We laughed. We bitch. We bitched. We love. We... love. After the last war, she gave me her heart. If I could live without the one beating in my chest, I'd hand it to her. We went through, our cycle. It's time that we'd break it and make an endless line. Who know's how long that'd take. I think we've both been playing this patience game, now we have to play it, on seperate teams. I hope, that in this patience game, an "all star game" would bring us back to play with each other. And maybe, just maybe, if our coach agree's, I'd get traded back to you. More Time as a signing bonus, and a life contract worth love point 2 million kisses. 
Somtimes, it hurts to know the truth, especially when you're the one delivering it. It hurts even more to deliver it, and even more knowing that it's right. With all the options and oppurtunities to do the wrong things, but we all have the capacity to do the right thing. We can't put each other through it anymore. She can stop chasing. I should stop running. It's all in God's perfect time. And so she left me with her heart, and so I'm giving it to Him. Even if I can't take care of you anymore, I'm going to make sure that you are. I'll be seeing you. around I guess. This last ones, for you...
I never knew what what what I got, til what I got was gone, 
I loved you you you so much, and that feelin still stays strong
It was those 3 words, made us able to fly
Wish we could've made it to the man in the sky
today, i didn't want to but I was able to cry
I never been good at sayin' goodbye
I'm takin' deep breathes, cause now the times are hard
When I reminisce over you, My God
I spent many years tryna be the heart throb
I guess it's only right that I got ym heart robbed
Sittin' on a bench reminds me of you
Walkin' to the Quay, reminds me of you
Even when I fall asleep, still thinking of you
Hope the stars and Our God
Align me and you

We all make sacrifices. Develop your friendships for now, treat your sisters in the Lord like Gold and with utmost respect. - God is Love. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I can't be alone. I have to be doing something. I have to be talking to someone. Because in the still of my room, the quiet, and just the sound of my fingers typing... kills me. It kills me to think of you. It kills me to not call you, It kills me that I can't see you. ever. It. Kills. Me. Sooner or later, you'll figure out why I was doing some things that looked wrong to you, it wasn't because I don't "get it". Honestly, I "get it". You were never going to let me "get it" with you. Sooner or later, you'll figure out that you were part of the problem too. And things you did, hurt me. I asked myself one day, why? Why did we keep going through it? I knew I wasn't good for you, so, why was I still there with you? Because I loved you? I guess. You were never going to let me love you, you were never going to let me do, anything. It kills me, that you're not here, it kills me that one of these days you're going to be reading this and saying to yourself, that I'm all wrong. That I screwed up everything. I don't put any blame on you. I only blame myself for things that I don't think I did for you, but I never blame you for anything, even for things that you did. Because I love you? I guess. It kills me, that I have free evenings and weekends on my phone, and I don't take advatage of it. It kills me, that I pushed myself to be an asshole, for you to leave me. It kills me, every letter, every tap of a key, every second. It kills me. So tell me, how do I stop myself from dieing? - God is Love. 

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Love is... Him

As a christian. The consistent problem we face is anxiety. Ironically, one of the most consistant messages in the Bible is for us not to be anxious. Sort of contradictary. Or does it make perfect sense? God commands us, not to be anxious, not to worry, not to be afraid, and to be courageous is so consistent for a fact that being fearful, being afraid is one of our worst problems. 
Why is God so concerned with out level of anxiety? Proverbs 12:25 says "an anxious heart weighs a man down...". Anxiety is a heavy burden, and it will cripple us from doign God's will and enjoying HIs presence, When we become absorbed in the threats of our difficulties, we aren't absorbed in God. We fear the things that seem to steal our lives away and we are placing them on a higher pedastol than the one who gives us life. God does not want us to be wieghed down, He does give us many responsibilities but he does not burden us with them, Jesus is our Burden Bearer, Aslong as we stress over our problems, we aren't letting God deal with them for us. HIs strength, while bearing the wieght of our lives, is our strength. Give it all up to Him, everything, and you'll bask in His glory. 
I can't think and ponder on my problems, and all the wrong things that i've done and the people that I've let down. I can't stress about my future, my school, my friends, my life. I want to be with Him. I want to feel His presence. I can't feel Him if I'm hiding in the tunnel of my problems. Everything. Everything is in His hands. I will not let myself dissappointment Him. I can't take care of myself, I need Him to back me up. 
To the one that I've taken for granted. A sorry isn't enough. But I know He's going to take care of us both. It kills me that I can't be there, because right now, I'm not good for you, for anything. I can't hope that God's going to bring us back together, But I can hope that God will bring you back. I'll always be thinking of you in my prayer, and always wonder what you're up to, and even if we don't cross paths, atleast I know that He's got you on the right one. 
"Love is kind when the world gets cold, Love stays strong when fight get's old, Love's a shoulder to lean on, Love is You. Love is like the water when well runs dry, Quench my thirst, keep me alive, Love is You" - Chrisette Michelle. Maybe one day I'll understand what that really means. And I could show you. All I know that Love is, is Him. - God is Love. 

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I've decided that I'm going to be an internet blogger for a living. haha. Imagine I could actually get  job, writing, and posting up random youtube videos and taking pictures of stylish people  for a living. I'm pretty amazed at the fact that there are jobs out there like that. I think taking care of old people is more my thing. haha. As much as I'd love to have a job like that, I'm only 18. I jsut want to secure my future with a good job. I have like 7 or 8 years left of my life to try and be cool for a living. I think I can spare 2 or 3 of them to go to school to get a job, just in case i end up becoming a loser, metephorically. I need to focus on this main goal for a while until I get it done. Then I can worry about trying to be cool. haha. I think something I've struggled with is time management. I always have time for all these things, I just don't manage that time. 
"We can watch a dvd, baby, sit up in your house be, just be there, you ain't gotta get cute for me, truthfully, I prefer you with no make-up, in one of my t-shirts, bunny slippers on your feet, girl, don't need to try and get up under me, on the couch or in front of the t.v., baby that's gangsta, Let's Just Be, ain't need for running round, in these streets, just my girl and me, doing whatever, Let's just be, Dinner form the microwave, Okay, time to put my cell away, no distractions, we can play these games, or lay around and be lazay, play video games or maybe I'll paint your toe nails, I'll sing you a song if you want me to, it's whatever you want to do, it's so simple, Let's Just Be"- Miguel - Let's Just Be 
I sort of miss being jobless and having lots of time. I wish I had more useful things to do with this time but I think sitting at starbucks every morning, chilling here, going out for a walk, coming back and slurpin down a frappuccino everyday is the life. I sit here and check out some fresh music, Re-vamping my Ipod with some summer tunes, alot of useless things but it's just fun, and relaxing. I know I'm going to be starting work soon, and my volunteering stuff, but right now I'm going to take advantage of this time free time I have to get everything together. Alright here's my devo for the day: 
We all want justice. When we are wronged, we seek revenge. We want everything to be fair, and though, yes, Life isn't fair, we still complain because sometimes we get the smaller peice of the pie, or no peice at all. God insists that justice is His, revenge is his not ours to act upon. This goes back to the whole thing about how everything will work out in God's time. I think most people are impatient, and in the fast pace world that we're living in, we demand things fast and we wants things right away to happen in our lives. Just like myself, I want to start being cool now, btu I know taht;s not what God has instilled in my life right now, there's always time for those things. My friends situation with her never being aked how she is but she always ahs to listen to her friends problems, I know she feels that she's being let down, that she's not getting her end of the bargain, but in time, she will, her friends will notice, god knows already, She shouldn't stop asking her friends how they are, and she should keep listening, and maybe this next time she does, her friends will ask her, because God cares for your justice, and will cut an extra slice if your isn't big enough. He is a God of Justice. - God Is Love. 
Everyone go to The Hudson Starbucks. It's dope there. 
New Music: Janelle Monae  - "My Favorite Noting"
Check out Lil Wayne's new album, Tha Carter III. Yeah, it's actually good. haha
Dope store to check out: DaDaBase. On South Granville and West Broadway, jsut on the corner there I think. 
Food: Thai Palace restaurant. If ya'll like thai or want to try, go there, it's right next to aritzia on robson on the second floor though. 

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Friends are great!

"How I long, for my healers, hands
Let these bright eyes, see
Oh Lord Jesus, you're the only, one
And you live, in, me
You heal me, You change my hear
You found me, and cleaned every part
Lord have your way, in, all of me
Clean me, clean me
I have a healer, He lives in me, 
He broke the chain, and set me free
Me Healer, My Jesus, My God" - Song written by Arby Susi

A couple of my old friends and I started a bible study, and I am so blessed for those guys, we're all the same age, Graduated the same year, and some of us even go to college together. I feel so blessed to have those guys around, to talk to and chill with and fellowship with. I think I'm the newest addition to the group, if we're talking about how long we've all known each other. I started getting to know those guys in the 10th and 11th grade, and the rest of them ahve known each other for a really long time. Grew up together even. These blogs, I always talk about myself and all my stuff, but I'm gonna let you into my life, and a part of my life is my firends. I think I can seperate all my friends in different categories. Let's see, there's, My bible study friends, who I'm going to talk about right now, My dance friends, My best friends, My girl friend, and then miscellaneous. haha, So here I go, first group, Bible study friends aka Power Rangers. haha. 
This group of friends comprises of 6 people including myself. There's Arby, Cleah, Daniel, Estephanie, Jeff and I. So Arby... She's the one that wrote that song tehre at the top, when she sang it to me at bible study, I was so uplifted. The thing with christian songs is that there's no need for great metaphors and similes to entertain you, it's just the simplicity of the lyrics and the bigger message. Arby is probably the one I'm closest to in the group, she's dope. She's crazy funny, smart, and very real. I think she's sort of a girl vesion of me. She's a very good listener and cares alot about her friends and msot importantly her family. Obivously, a good song writer, and if you've ever had a chance to hear her sing, you'd agree with me that she's a great singer as well. She's dope. I know I say that alot but on the real, she's one of the realest people I've ever met. PS, she has dope hair, it's uneven. hahah. 
Cleah... She's like, a mother. Or, a Lola. haha. She's just really responsible, that's what I mean by that. She has her fob moments and I like to catch her when she does have them. It's usually funny. She's sort of dramatic, but not in the way that you think. Let me rephrase that, she's a dreamer. When she has one of those movie, fairy tale moments translated to real life, she likes to tell everyone, and it sort of comes out the wrong way. haha. I know that amde no sense, but anyway, She's an interesting girl, pretty, haha and she knows her stuff. I guess she's pretty shy at times, but I guess that's because everyone picks on her. but nonetheless she's really cool, and I'm blessed to have her as my friend and being a part of her debut. 
Daniel... He's such a corky guy. If they ever made a christian version of "superbad" and called it "supergood", daniel would be one of the 4 guys in it. He's a cool guy, real upfront about how he's doing with his faith, good guitar player, really really funny. Really really smart. I picture him being one of those really rich guys who still shop at superstore for clothes, and rock "joe apparel" haha. But then if you check his pockets he rolls of hundred dollar bills. haha. He's not afraid to try things, and even though I'm making him sound like a goof he's not. that much. of a goof. haha. I'm blessed to have him around because He's not one of those guys that gets down when He's not doing well with God, He's eager to pick to pick himself up and I'll always be there to help him. 
Estephanie... she's the "cool mom". Like Cleah, she's lieka mother, really responsible, has her stuff together, but she's just a tad bit louder and outgoing. If she drove she probably would dirve alot faster. haha. Esteph and talk on msn, late nights, for an hour or two about random stuff, about god, and more random stuff. She's the fashion info girl. Watches gossip girl, only to look at what the girls are wearing and what the boys aren't. hahah. I'm kidding. She's really cool, She's the one that I got to really know first, and we have a lot of the same interests and she's really cool with church and everything, too bad I can't be going to church with her still but its all good. that's what the bible study is for. I know she's going to end up with the man of her dreams. If not one of those guys from gossip girl, someone close, a weave between seth cohen and chuck bass. haha 
Jeff... hypebeast. that's all I can say. kidding. He's the "cool guy". He's got the fly gear, girlfriend, hip hop, older brother thing going on. He's really eager with his faith and He's the one that brought all of us back together again for this bible study. I didn't hear from the guy for a long time and I was really blessed when he decided he wanted to do this bible study worship night things. I know in his heart he really wants this to happena and he really instilled in me and for the rest of us an eagerness to get together and plan this thing and get it together, and I thank Him for that. He's a real swell guy. haha. 
That's all I guess. til next time my ninjas. - God Is Love

Monday, June 9, 2008

my new thinking spot...

I think most people do their best thinking outside of their homes. My friend Jp thinks of all his choreography on the bus. My other friend, makes the craziest drawings staring at a white wall. Just by a feeling, one friend can write poems about places she's never been, but still make it sound like she's been living there for her whole life. Me, I write. Or I type. I think. and I type. But it's not as out there or astounding as my some of my friends. I'm your a-typical blog-writer. Starbucks is where I write. or type. I think, everywhere. I walk, blocks and blocks and blocks of Vancouver, rain or shine, until, I've come up with a million unrelated thoughts that I can somehow compile in one blog. So I'll start from the beginning... 
Today's my cousin's birthday. He's 20. 20. 20. WE grew together and he's only a year older than me. When I signed on to my Facebook at 2 am this morning I saw his name on the sidebar of todays birthdays. For a good 20 minutes I thought about all the stuff that me and him used to do when we were little kids growing up. We used to kick it everyday, if not every weekend, every summer. Some things you just grow out of, like sleep overs and watching WWF. Now, that's turned into, talking about university, and how we don't get enough sleep, girlfriends, and going to the clubs. We used to play ball, we probably played 40+ one on one games with each other. We kept a record. He's beating me 25-20. Something like that. Both of us haven't even touched a basketball in over a year. I'm not saying that I'd like to go back to when we were 14-15 again. I would not want to go back that far, haha. I think our adult lives are going to go a little differently. Sure my family, my cousins, aunts and uncles are always gonna be around, but how close-knit we are is what separates us from other big families. 
Since I am now jobless, I have a lot of time to do a bunch of other semi-useless things to do with myself. Looked up some volunteering opportunities, thinking about kids help phone, or one of those disabled helper person guys people. That's pretty much it right now that I'm interested in. 
So I got this bible study thing going on now, trying to work up to a worship night. I think I'm going to be teaching today I don't really know. But I guess I'm pretty prepared. 
School school school school school school. Sorry, that was just a reminder for myself. haha. 
New upcoming rapper from DC. Wale. he's most known for his song "Nike Boots" and "Back in the Go Go". Watch out for him, he's pretty underground right now, but download his stuff. He's not your typical rapper, I don't really know what genre to put him in. He's got a good feel though, his beats are really instrumental, not a lot of synths and fake sounds, haha. He's really lyrical, so don't expect his songs to have one sentence repeated through the whole song. He sort of sounds like one of those gangster freestyler guys but he's not. He's really cool, got a really good flow. You won't get bored. Download his mixtape called "mixtape about nothing" 
Youtube Video. Well, I only really watch youtube to watch dance videos so if you're interested go watch "The Company Body Rock 2008". That is some crazy shiiii. Also, go to if you want to watch some really cool odd videos. 
GO to the new Starbucks inside Granville Station. They're really dope and they have FREE WIRELESS internet. Everyone likes to talk and I'm sure they'd make you a regular. I am. haha. 
I guess that's all for this afternoon, I got to prepare my lesson.- God is Love. 

Thursday, June 5, 2008

It's sort of my job too..

God blessed me with something. Well, a lot of things. But one thing in particular that He's given me is the eager need to help people get better. Give people new, Godly perspectives on their lives. I need people to know that they can be better, they can have better, for no money down, free of charge. Now, I'm not saying I'm the greatest person at taking my own advice, I have my struggles too. I'm no guru of godly wisdom, I am not perfect, I don't know everything. I may not know how to solve a problem or hep someone initially, but in time God will give me words, give me His wisdom to give to other people. My girlfriend is going through some things, and it kills me to see her and hear her talk about how she is. She's not exactly on the verge of suicide or anything 100 miles from that if that's what you're thinking. A number of things contributed to her being the way she is now, and this is next sentence is directed to her personally, I feel partly responsible for it...
That's not why I'm trying to help her, it's not because I want to make myself feel better that I brought another person back to God or even because she's my girlfriend. God blessed me with her, and He's telling me, that I'm going to learn a lot from her, and she's going to learn a lot from me. And not only does he guarantee me with His strength and His patience to be able to help her, He's guaranteed me that she's going to be okay. That she's going to be happy. I don't know how long that's going to take but it will. If he tells me that it's going to take 20 years for her to be happy and be okay then I might just marry her. Nothing, nothing she does can turn me off from her. Nothing she could possibly do, like gain 100 pounds or never shower can make me love her any less. I know she won't believe me when she reads this but she'll see. Let God worry about your problems, give it up to Him, so your mind would be clear for me to make you happy. I just need you to be happy. I work for God. This is the job he gave me. - increase the peace

hand it over, everything..

Before I get into anything, I just want to thank God for the opportunity he's given me to meet one of the greatest hip hop producers of all time, Pharrell Williams. Even more so, getting the chance to shake hands with him. That's all, now on to the real blog. 

Some would be astounded by the human capacity to do the right thing. Most people, if given the choices, would more often "do the right thing" rather than the wrong. Everyone knows what's wrong and what's right. On an elementary level, calling people names, is wrong, being nice and sharing, is right. Why do we constantly sometimes head into the other direction? Why is that we hold on to the bad things when we are offered a better option, leading to a better result? Because, we're scared, and the bad things make us feel secure. 
1 Peter 1:15-16 says "just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "be holy, because I am Holy."". For christians that straddle the fence between the call to holiness and sin, the thought of our personal holiness, us doing the right thing, is all for His benefit and none of ours comes across when dealing with our personal devotion. Sometimes, we think that becoming like Jesus, following Him, won't benefit us at all in where we live today. 
WRONG SUCKA. Immeasurable blessings are given to those who will single-mindedly pursue the righteousness of God. I know I sounded a bit preachy there but, I can;t help it. It says so in the bible that if you "seek first his kingdom, and his righteousness, all these things will be given to you as well". We are offered a better life, a good life, right there for the taking, it's yours if you choose to follow God. Yet, we still hang on to our sins, our drugs, our sex, our immoralities. Only temporal satisfaction is found in those things, temporary security until your life withers into a pitiful mess. Yeah, a little dramatic, but it's pretty true. 
Do everything you can to abandon you're "sinful natures". If it means, canceling your internet cable so you stop looking at porn, haha, I don't know, but anything. Which leads to my next message...
You need to trust God that He can take care of your problems. It's a pretty good deal yo. You follow God, receive his blessings, hand over all your problems to Him, he gets to worry about them, and your mind becomes clear, all this, for no money down, guaranteed free offer. God will give you all these things for free if you just trust in Him. You also have to be willing that He'll take care of your problems in whichever way He wants. If it means, he doesn't give you enough money to pay for your internet cable, and you have no internet, then sorry, stop looking at porn you pervert. hahaha. But on the real, He'll take all your problems away, if you just trust in Him, you have no control over your problem, if you had control over your life, then you'd never have problems right? but you're not ever in total control of your life, and it's God's job to help you get rid of frustration and anxiety in your life, so just let Him do His job okay? Don't forget to say Thank You. 
So that's my little devotion there. I hope you got a little something out of it. It's almost 3'o'clock in the morning, I think I should be getting some rest. God Bless. -increase the peace