Wednesday, May 28, 2008

My life begins... now. now. now. now. now. now. now. now.

My life begins now. For real this time. This time it's for real. It's for real this time. For time this its real? No. Ever since last year, the first day out of high school. I told myself, "today is a new chapter in my life and it beings now". Come september, I didn't enroll myself into college and decided to work a semester off, I told myself, "my new life beings now". January, I'm at the bottom steps of douglas college about to go to my first college class and I told myself, "this is where my life begins". 4 months later, I'm out of school, I'm on AP, still have no idea what I want to be, and I told myself, " my life, stops right, here. Before I go anywhere, before I start my 4th new life, I want, I need to know where I'm going. Where am I going to be this upcoming september, can I make this lucky number 4th life? I've come up with somewhat of an idea, and I'm yet to start doing something about it, hopefully I don't run out of time. Everything else seems to be going as planned. I'm starting to read my bible again, doing my daily devotions, praying and such. I just want to be near Him again. Walk beside Him, and hopefully bring others to walk beside me. The only thing that I don't know where it's going is, my girl. I think I'm a total screw up, when it comes to this boyfriend thing. Sorry to disappoint you ladies. According to my current squeeze, I'm not the greatest, neither am I, great, or even good for that matter. I thought I was doing a pretty good job, but I guess not. I think I may be being a little harsh on myself, I obviously don't suck if I've had her for almost 11 months now, I'm not a self-centered jerk who's just in it for the physical things, or a Psychotically protective boyfriend who doesn't take her out because I don't want guys to look at her. haha. No, that is a little ridiculous. I think it's a combination of our differences, our personalities, and just a little bit of pride that's made it such a bumpy road lately. I may sound too nonchalant about the fact that I could lose my first every love. I can't be an emotional wreck, I really have to look up to Him, and know that if it's me n her, then it's okay if we have time apart, the saying "if you love someone you should let them go" is true, if it's really us, then it's us, no matter the things we have to go through, or even spending time apart, if she never comes back, then I can't force her to, it's just, how it is. Even if I still love her, I can't make her be with me. If she wants to come back, then, YAY. If she doesn't then, yay. In the end, there's always a lesson learned and a new beginning. My life with her starts now.