Long Text Messages..."36"

Who would've thought I'd still be randomly writing entries on here at 36 years old. I don't know. This has always been a safe place for me to get my thoughts out. I don't even know if anyone still uses this platform much less reads anything I write these days. But yo.. it's crazy. What's new since the golden age of me writing on this... I'm like 3 girlfriends past the last one I wrote about haha.. I'm a cat person now.. I'm most likely, 99.9 percent sure I am going to marry my current girlfriend. I wasn't even thinking of marriage back then. The end of the year always makes you reflect back on all the shit in your life. Good and bad. I don't even look at it like good and bad. I simply just want to remember. Slowly I'm forgetting things that happened in the past and I always thought memory would be something like song lyrics you'll never forget. I guess with memory, if you're not singing those songs anymore, it's likely you'll forget how it goes. Lately, I've been wanting to remember. Not anything in particular but just anything random. All the years have kind of mixed together and I want to remember what I did on July 22nd when I was 24 years old. I don't know. I can't remember what year it even was when I was 24. Just thinking about it now, that's like 12 years ago holy shit. I want to commit to writing and journaling as much as I can. Just to remember. And to have a place where I can see what I thought about. It's been hard to put pen to paper, life has been moving fast and my brain seems to lack concentration. Probably this whole post just sounds so all over the place so let me just get something down that actually sounds coherent. 

Today, I woke up at 9am. After 3 alarms. These past weeks I haven't had the same strength to wake up early. I know I have to. I need to get in shape. I think I'm at the point in an adult male's life where I'm starting to realize I'm in the worst physique I have been in my entire life. And I'm on the last hill to really start being discipline about my health and my body. I'm not training for no marathon though, fuck that. Anyway, I got up and showered. I have to be at my studio to take a headshot for a staff member at this physio clinic I shoot for at 11am. I tell my girlfriend to get ready and we set off on the typical rainy Vancouver day. It's raining more than usual though. We get to the studio and I lead my client to the messy back area where I take all the headshots at. They are filming a Que Pasa Chips commercial in the studio so it's quite hectic when I get there. 30 cast & crew booked out the shop to film today. The photos take about 15 minutes and then me and Satchi go out to Finches and get sandwiches and coffee. The next couple hours were just like any other work day at the shop/studio. Satchi goes to dinner with her friend and I head home, grab a burger (okay last burger before I start being healthy haha) and then go home and watch an anime my friend Ray put me on to. Ace of the Diamond. I finish laundry and get ready for bed. That's pretty much how my day went. I hope tomorrow is a little bit more interesting haha 

- god is love 

Long Text Message..."never turning into an old head"

I met up with a younger photographer today. I usually don't like to do this type of stuff that often anymore because I feel like I've been giving the same advice for the last 8 years haha but I get it. The cycle you go through as a person and as an artist is all the same in some sense. Every year I get an influx of new people who ask the same questions to me that they are asking of themselves and every year I five the same answers. It's like I'm stuck teaching grade 11 or something. I told this person I met up with, "the only difference between me and you, is time". I've just experience a lot more but that doesn't make me a better photographer. I'm just more tapped in to myself but anyone can reach that stage at any point. You just gotta realize it. Over time I've learned to give a bit more concise advice instead of just giving everyone a speech about everything I know. They're going to go thought this cycle on their own, the best I can do is point them in the right direction, which is towards themselves. 

I do feel like a professor sometimes but just like any teacher, they gotta update the curriculum and teach from a place of experience and relatability. That's something that I do for myself that I gotta continue to do what I do. Stay in the mix with what's going on so I can always be available for any artist at any level to give advice to. Anyway, this was more of a note so self. As will be a lot of these new entires. Love. God is Love and LOE. 

Long Text Messages... still processing

It's been a while hasn't it? We've come out of a weird time in life and still going through it. We're over covid, we were in the streets for George and now we're out here for Gaza. I feel like the world is waking up in all ways. We're exposing each other, we're exposing ourselves and all the lines are drawn. It feels like we have to choose a side. I feel like it's only right to choose a side. A lot have retreated to making their lives the same as it was before all this. How could you? Everything feels so different to me. I'm still trying to figure out how to navigate this difference while trying to pick up the pieces of my life so I can finally get some legs. So many changes. My studio has to move. Me and my girlfriend have to move. It's the first time I ever considered if moving to a different place would benefit my career and finances. I feel like I might have reached the top of MY mountain. Vancouver has been a place that hasn't fed my creativity in a while but instead sucked a lot of it out of me because of how dry it is here. I usually never speak ill of my city but I don't want to give everything up to work for these big brands and companies that are going to pay my bills just live comfortably. Something about that leaves a bad taste in my mouth right now. People might advise me that I don't have to look at it this way. "selling out". I just want to be able to do what I want to do but I don't know how to make money from this. Do I need to learn a new skill?? Do I want to. 3 years later and I'm still asking the same questions. I've yet to find answers. I'm still being born again I guess. - God is Love 

Long Text Messages..."Checking In pt.1"

It's been a long minute. Not as long as I had thought. We haven't talked in a while, you and me. I finally got some time to check in with you. How do you feel?

The last year and half well, has been, well you know how it's been. 

I feel like I am 10 feet away from the next checkpoint but I keep walking in a circle where I stand. I don't know what is going to take me there. I don't know what's going to push me to that checkpoint. 

I feel like I've been really stressed. My mind is helping me hide it. I don't know if I need a vacation. Some time off. Or just a day to myself but I don't know what it is I need right now. I just know that I'm stressed and my mind is helping me hide it. But I see it. I feel it but I don't know what I'm supposed to do to release it. 

I feel fatigued.

I feel like I need to find the simple methods again. 

I do feel great, I do. I don't know what it is why I don't feel as.. happy? As I think I should be? 

I think I've grown less romantic about life. I feel like I'm one foot in and one foot out. 

For the first time in a while I don't have the answers or the self awareness to figure this out. It's confusing, it's pleasing and it's somehow getting me excited. 

Are these just growing pains? 

Or am I just being born again? 

- God is Love 

Long Text Messages... "not just for Summer"

I’ve never had a “summer love”. But if I did this would be one. But this is not just for summer. It’s for fall, it’s for winter it’s for spring. It’s for summer again. I say “love” is a strong word. And so is “forever”. But those words came so quickly and came so naturally when it comes to her. I don’t have doubts. I don’t have worries when I look her straight in the eye and say “for the rest of my life”. This isn’t the summer talking. This is fall, this is winter, this is spring talking. She tells me we’re “compatible”. I don’t know why I don’t agree right away so I ask her why she says that. She says because we realize we change, we are curious, we listen and we change some more. I don’t know why I questioned her about it because I know that all of this is true. This isn’t the sun messing with me head, it’s the leaves, it’s the snow, it’s the flowers too. Is it cliche for me to say I’ve never felt like this before. But I know this is true. Because I haven’t. Because I’ve never had her before. I’ve never felt someone like her. This isn’t just the summer talking..  - God is Love 

Long Text Messages... "Whichever Way"

Reading back to a lot of my older posts from more than 10 years ago, there is an 18 year old me, although younger, had something that I lost in the last 10 years. Something that I've found again recently. Something I've learned to teach myself again. It's the feeling of content with uncertainty. 

It's not bad to focus on direction and security. However, neither of those are certain. Our directions can change instantly and security is never guaranteed.  As much as we think we can have control over certain things... "anything can happen". That phrase for a while gave me an uneasy feeling. I'd try to grab hold of it but what's the point. Growing up made me feel as if I had to "get my shit together" and not live so nonchalantly. 

I guess it's really just a combination of both. Having an idea with the direction we want to drive ourselves in, having a goal and working towards it. But also knowing, at any instant, that road can change. We should trust in the fact that, when the road changes doesn't mean we're completely lost or that we've failed, we've simply just started switched cars. 


- God is Love 

Long Text Messages... "The Gap"

I think most people have experienced a transition phase in their lives. Whether it's after a break-up or in between jobs. Even being in a job or a relationship could sometimes feel like a transition, could feel like, a gap. We might even call it a "dry-spell" or being in "a funk". However we see/feel this position in our lives it's often difficult for us to push through it. Sometimes this feeling comes, unexpectedly. So how do we get out of it? What do we do to ourselves to stay in them? What most of us don't realize is that this is the place where growth happens most. 

Often in these phases, we feel like simply giving up. We tell ourselves we're not going to find another job, no one is going to love us again, how are we going to make new friends or how are we going to rebuild this relationship? Netflix children do not know the pain most of us have suffered to have a show build up the tension in a plot then suddenly cut to an informercial of Dr. Ho's pain therapy system. Our vision and a our journey can sometimes look like watching a television program. We don't often see that the commercial break is leading us into the next phase of our story. Often we give up, and often we decide to look for a new channel to surf. We flip back and forth, not focused and lost. Do not give up in this phase, the enemy of growth is giving up in the gap. 

Comparison is one of the biggest downfalls anyone puts upon themselves in any case. No different here.  Sometimes we can be jealous of others peoples miracles. We look at our ex girlfriends and boyfriends and get jealous when we see that they've found someone else to be with, we envy when our coworker who got laid off the same time as you has gotten hired already. We all have different paces. We have a life and a pace that's specifically made for us and we can't go any other way. If we see people passing us or getting opportunities we think we should be getting just know ours is around the corner, we might not just be ready to receive it yet. Embrace our pace. 

Lastly, we sometimes choose to numb the phase. We ignore the phase and ignore our growth. That's how we force ourselves into a different situation but just get stuck in the same cycle.

This gap, it's confusing. It's kinda of mushed up and random like commercial's in-between our television program. It can feel hopeless and discouraging. Although, it's actually one of the most beautiful parts of our lives. It's a time to be introspective, to relearn things, to look back and appreciate what happened before whether good or bad. And to move forward. The gap is the space between our last step and our next one, we're in full stride. - God is Love

I feel like my optimism is working against me these days. I don't want to feel sad or down but I feel like it's the only way I can get all of this out. My mind and my body is so used to lifting itself up and getting over bumps too easy but I'm trying to override by forcing myself to feel sad. I feel like I'm in this limbo, I'm not sad but I'm not happy either. It's a weird, new feeling but I guess I just gotta ride it out. - God is Love

28ighteen... "constant"

You ever feel hungry after you ate a good meal? I mean, everybody gets hungry no matter how good they ate the day before or the meal before. Our body needs that daily sustenance. Life is more subtle. 

Life has it owns hunger pains but too often we respond to them with memories of past meals and expect ourselves to feel fulfilled. This is sometimes what we call 'living in the past'. We think about all the times we've won, all the times we've done something good for someone and expect them to remember it next time they need something from us. Sometimes we live in our past accomplishments to justify the present needs but yesterdays food has already been digested and flushed. We dwell in these past victories that we are blind to todays needs. 

The blessings of love and success are found in their constancy. Not in it's peaks and valleys. We don't measure ourselves by the highs and lows but who we are in between them. - God is Love 

28ighteen... "PDL"

Purpose, is so much higher than occupation, passion, intent and planning. A lot of us are so focused on trying to figure out an occupation rather than our purpose. Occupation is just the vehicle to carry out our purpose. Frankly, it doesn't matter what the vehicle is. God didn't put me on this earth to be a photographer. God put me on this Earth, I believe, to be of service to people, through my art, through thoughts fed in my brain through his heart. Photography and Writing are just my ways to communicate how I've understood to live with Him in the forefront of my life. It's my way of expression. It's my way of catching people to listen to His message. I think I've begun to understand the power that God has instilled in my talent and how I can use these talents to shine His light unto other people. I think I've unknowingly been doing it but I haven't acknowledged that this is my true purpose. Not to take good photos. To use these photos to be able to communicate with people who are yet to find their purpose. - God is Love 

28ighteen... "Hard Work"

"How did you convince your parents that you wanted to be a photographer?" 

This is a question that I've been asked a lot over the years but coincidentally have been asked this a couple times in the recent months. Since it's "Family Day" long weekend in Vancouver I guess this a good time to write about this question.

As a first generation immigrant in Canada from the Philippines, my parents gave me the typical encouragement/speech any immigrant parents gives their child. They encouraged getting a good education (as any parents should) and one word that is indented in my brain forever, "stability". They just wanted me to be, stable. Stability, something my parents worked extremely hard for when coming to this country. So, it's a little bit worrying when their one and only child decides he wants to be an "artist". I don't really have a fancy or elaborate explanation to this question of how I made it manageable for my parents to accept my career choice, but here's my answer: 

Love & Hard Work

My parents didn't understand why I wanted to be a photographer. They didn't understand how I was going to make money, why I did jobs for free, why I took the photos that I took. There's a lot they didn't understand and there's still a lot they don't understand. I could show my parents all my greatest photographs, how many followers I have, how many 'like' and comment on my photos, I could tell them all the awesome projects I've been working on but none of that really matters in terms of making my parents understand that this is what I'm meant to be doing on this earth. What my parents do understand is how much I love it, how hard I work at it, how much I am trying to make a life for myself and for my future. They just want to see that I'm working just as hard to make a life for myself as hard as they worked to make a life for me. That's all. Our parents might not understand all the jargon that goes a long with what we do but they do understand what it is to love something and to work hard. In the end, regardless of our career path, we're all just trying to do what it is we love, what we're meant here to do... we're all really just looking for... stability. - God is Love 

Thinking 1

There's a state of mind that I wish I could go back to. A state of mind that I'm slowly going back to. That's.. just having fun. Making cool things. I think I've propped myself up to be a "professional artist" that I've almost stopped having fun. At the same time I think I'm also delving deeper into who I am as an artist and the messages I want to pour out and the type of work I want to do. 

I'm 26 now. Realistically I don't have the same freedoms I once had when I was 19. It's not easy to wake up and have so many things to do with so little time. Now I know what it takes to be that person I want to be. To make that time. To do what it takes... to do what it takes. - God is Love  

really me

I'm going back to the start... - God is Love 

Plants

If there's something to be admired about religion, its faithfulness. It's loyalty. It's discipline. 

Being a born again christian is a huge part of my life. It's what set the stone for the way I live and who I am. I think it's important to believe and be a part of something that's bigger than us. Bigger than this world. Whatever it is we choose to believe. It's important for us to have a foundation. If we are not satisfied with the ground that was laid out for us when we got here, find new ground. 

With that being said, there are a lot of us that have our hands in too many pockets. We only confuse ourselves as to what to believe and we create an unstable foundation to build on. And for those who have found something, be discipline. We can't have one foot in, one foot out. We can't fully experience what it is we're trying to build, what we're trying to achieve and learn if we are not whole-heartedly there. 

Trees grow with their roots planted in the soil. Houses are not built starting with the roof. 

Be planted. Be disciplined. Most of all, stay faithful. 

- God is Love 

he loves me, he loves me not

A friend of mine asked me, “how can I tell if a guy just wants to get in my pants or actually really likes me”. I feel like this is a question that I see asked a lot on television and on tumblr haha. Honestly, at first I didn’t really know how to answer that. I’ve heard a bunch of different answers, some that make sense and some that don’t. I’m not saying my answer is the best or any better than yours or another persons but if anyone is reading this, this is my answer: 

First off, I’m not a girl. That’s obvious. I’ve never felt what it’s like to have been “hitted and quitted” for lack of a better phrase. Unless a guy actually straight up tells you, “I just want to have sex” then there ya go. If that’s what you want too, then cool, do your thing. If that isn’t what you want, then you can leave. Simple as that right? I think the best way to decipher his intentions is to not ask them what their intentions are, but to tell them yours. I know women too also have urges to want to engage in physical activity but in most cases women must know they have most of the control in whether or not ya’ll get down to it. Ya’ll women have to use that self-control because in most cases, ya’ll are the ones getting hurt. Now I am not saying it’s the woman’s fault that they are hurt because it is the man that was not truthful about his intentions. Anyway, If you let the man know what your intentions, beliefs, plans etc. are in seeing him then there he knows what he’s getting himself into. It’s in your control as woman to decipher his actions from then on. I strongly believe that if ya’ll can express each others like or love for each other without that sexual physicality, when you truly believe that by each others actions that ya’ll really love each other, the sex, is only complimentary to your love. That love will be far, far greater than sex. I really really believe that. 

People think that the whole “No sex before marriage” is old fashioned or deemed “for religious people”. Not only is it biblical, it’s scientific. You do not feed the body before you feed the heart. Sex is what our body, our flesh desires but as people we are DEEPER than that. Much much deeper. If a man or woman can fill your heart, fill your mind, fill your soul… then he or she may be worthy of feeding our body. If you’re not confident if that man or woman loves you and you have sex, it’s ruined. You’ll then have larger amount of doubt with each other. If you don’t truly love that person then you won’t have the desire to feed their soul because we’re feeding each others bodies but in the end we never get full. You don’t want to doubt. You don’t want to regret. No one wants that. I’m telling ya’ll it takes a lot of will and a lot of patience to do this but if you want to experience Love at it’s finest… man… is it ever worth it. Be careful with your hearts ladies and gentlemen. Be careful with each others hearts ladies and gentlemen. - God is Love 

Count Yourself In

"Just Do It". A phrase that we all know too well but as simple as it may sound we often think it's easier said than done. We think that we can't and that we need this and that to do this and that but we don't need anything but just our own sheer will and the act of knowing. 

We all have things we want to accomplish whether it be tangible or something within ourselves. We all have battles that we fight and we have struggles that we face. Our struggles are often a product of how we see ourselves. We tend to accept our truths and who we are but I believe that we can be better than what we accept ourselves to be. We say and think things like "Oh well I'm just a not a patient person". That's not true. We are just weak. That doesn't mean we don't possess patience. We have to KNOW that we have patience. KNOW that we ARE patient. We have to SEE ourselves as patient people and tell ourselves that WE ARE rather than "I can be". By living with the mindset of knowing we nourish that weakness so that it exudes to our exterior. We cannot practise patience, or kindness or lovingness or creativity if we do not know we have it IN us. When we know that we can build outwards. - God is Love 

Fuck it or Fix it

I'm coming to a point in my life where a lot is changing. Quitting my job to pursue my passion as a career, I feel like I'm finally at a church and at a spiritual place where I'm more attentive and willing to grow. I feel like in the past couple years I've really tried to grow up. I kept myself in places where I could easily slip back into immaturity. I think it's when I first began to realize, accept and own up to the decisions I've made in the past and admitting my faults. There's really no going to back to changing what I said or what I did and I never really fully took ownership in those things. The past year has been a selfish year but it took me this year to really understand what it takes to grow out of yourself and become someone better. Relationship-wise I feel like I'm at a point in my relationship that I've never been before in the past. I've realized again, my faults and selfish behaviours and some of the troubles I've had in my relationship are due to some of the decisions I've made.  

I came across a tweet that isn't all that "deep" but very straight to the point. It read: 

"Fuck it or fix it" 

I believe everything can be fixed, but I've been having a hard time just saying 'fuck it' and end up carrying all this unnecessary weight on my shoulders. Despite all that, by the will and power of God I know I'll be ready to take on the years ahead. No matter what changes will come my way or the changes that I'll have to make on my own. I know He's got me. I haven't rested upon him in a while, maybe that's why I've been feeling so tired. I can't do this on my own. I can't rely on anyone but Him. In the next coming weeks... it's "fuck it or fix it". 

- God is Love 

The Heart pt.1

Ever since my family left LHCC, my spiritual life has been in a drought. I've been so unmotivated in going to church and I just wasn't finding my place. Maybe it was just me being a snob in some way, not reaching out and not also not letting people reach me. My parents noticed and they suggested that I go ahead and find a church that was going to be more suitable for me. So I did. I even went back to LHCC. It was okay, it felt a little different. I enjoyed seeing my friends. I love seeing some of my oldest friends and people I grew up in my faith with. It's always great seeing them. But it was different. My parents decided to leave the church they were going to and moved to this brand new church. So they invited me to come. This church was bare bones. Bare bones like, the pastor was leading worship and there was an even number of people on the worship team than there was in the congregation. Unlike the bigger churches I was attending, I could easily disappear during the message and no one would notice. But with 15 people in the congregation it was more intimate and I really had no way of hiding. So I sat and listened to Pastor Rex. God really spoke to me in his message. Although, I can't remember it now. Something about the church and the message sparked a new found excitement in going to church. I'm more aware, I'm more attentive in listening to Him speaking to me. I found my heart again. I found the heart of what I am here to do. I found the heart of why I do what I do. The heart of worship. - God is Love 

I remember

I feel like I forgot how to blog. To really just spit out my thoughts. Over the past 3 years I've been so focused on structure, moreso having a message. I went back to my very first post on here and I was talking about Kanye's Graduation Album and 50 cents.. man I don't even remember any of his albums past Get Rich or Do Tryin. I also noticed that I was a little more fluent in bible verses and really was doing research on certain verses. It's inspired me to come back to this and just write. Write whatever. Just for myself. Lately, I've been writing for an audience. Knowing I had an audience to write to. So I wanted to make every caption or post something to think about. I wouldn't settle for a normal caption. I've been getting back to why I started doing this thing. With writing. With photography. Back to the heart of it. So here's to finishing 2015 strong. - God is Love 

We're all weird. Everyone is weird. We might be normal to someone else but weird to another. Does that make the both of you weird or normal? I don't know. 

I asked a friend if she had any weird obsessions or odd behaviours and she said she likes even numbers. The volume on the television had to be on an even number and other such things. She also said she finds the popping of bubble wrap therapeutic. Other have behaviours that they're not even aware of and that only other people notice. Some people fart in their sleep and if you tell them that they would never believe you unless you recorded it. Everyone has their idiosyncrasies. Sometimes we call them "imperfections". It's those imperfections that determine whether someone really, really loves you. When someone asks you to share a memory of the person you love.. you don't remember how much money they made or even how beautiful they looked, it's those little idiosyncrasies that we mention. Those little things we love that make the biggest differences. - God is Love